What Not To Say In Your Best Man Speech

Unfortunately you won’t have this button available on the big day…

Today we thought we’d share with you some of the top jokes and paragraphs NOT to include in your Best Man Speech. These are all real sentences and paragraphs used by our clients over the years (at least until we saw them and told them to take them out!) or at weddings we have been to.

In general, people are trying to be too clever or badly trying to turn the speech into a stand-up comedy routine rather than a wedding speech.

So without further ado the top 3 jokes, paragraphs or sentences that we commonly see people including in their speech:

3 Top Lines To Avoid In Your Best Man Speech

  1. “I’d like to thank several people without whom tonight would not be possible… Here’s to the bar staff!”

This kind of joke is someone trying too hard to make their speech a stand-up comedy routine.

Firstly, the joke isn’t even that funny and comes across as a crappy one that you probably found on the Internet.  It is the classic ‘dad joke‘.

Secondly, it has nothing to do with the bride and groom – they should be the focus of your speech.  So if you’re filling your speech with stand-up comedy lines like this then stop now and focus on the bride and groom instead.

Similar lines include praising all animals who died to make the meal or other irrelevant jokes.  All of them are usually terrible and do not belong in your speech.


  1. “It’s good that BRIDE and GROOM are finally getting married. I never thought I’d see this day. Especially after GROOM made BRIDE wait 8 years. At least he taught her patience!”

Let me clear this one up quickly:

Jokes about how long they were engaged or waited to get married are never a good idea.

Yes, you can pull them off but it’s VERY difficult.  The problem with the line above is the same problem with all jokes like this – they make the bride seem like some kind of marriage hungry gold digger – that all that she wanted in life was a ring.

Essentially these kind of jokes break one of the cardinal rules of best man speeches: do not offend or mock the bride in anyway.

My advice is to stay clear of lines like this.  And believe it or not but I have heard this (or lines very similar to it) being used in speeches and seen them in some of our clients speeches.


  1. I must start by thanking BRIDE and GROOM to allow me to play a small part in their big day and I would like to wish GROOM luck on his big wedding night with his small part.

I shouldn’t be the one to tell you that penis size jokes are not really appropriate in a wedding speech.

I would also add that jokes about how often the bride and groom are going to bang or about the honeymoon being in Bangor (yes, I’ve seen this terrible joke many times) are big misses.

In addition to this, think about who is going to be there for the speech – if a joke isn’t fit for Grandma to hear, don’t put it in your speech.


Other Notes On Lines To Avoid In Your Speech

You can pretty much group the lines to avoid into 3 main categories – this will give you some help if you are not sure about anything:

  • Over the top comedy and jokes – where you are trying to turn your speech into a stand-up comedy routine using jokes from the internet.
  • Lines or stories that make the bride look bad.  Just no.
  • Any sly sexual reference, talking about the bedroom, how the groom will be in bed (etc).  This is not a ‘few drinks with the lads’ – these lines do not belong here.

Run your line by the above list.  If it falls into any of them, take it out! Don’t forget to also structure your speech in the way we describe in our free best man speech eBook.


Are You Unsure About Any Lines In Your Speech?

Leave them in a comment below and we will advise you whether or not they are good idea!